EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders