Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I have never related to a cat more
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
im 7 sauces long
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes