earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

You Might Also Like


I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.


Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.


My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.


So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.


Me: happy 18th, buddy!

Son: thanks, dad

Me: got your stuff packed?

Son: what?

Me: what?


demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans


the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE


“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.


Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.


While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.