@WhaJoTalkinBout

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

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@sarcasticmommy4

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

@better_off_dad

Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.

@AnOrangeSNES

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

@JaneBadall

So sorry I hit a nerve. I was actually aiming for a major artery.

@TheCensoredRock

Me: happy 18th, buddy!

Son: thanks, dad

Me: got your stuff packed?

Son: what?

Me: what?

@cottoncandaddy

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

@ellenfromnowon

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

@UnFitz

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

@Sanbel11

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

@MooseAllain

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.