Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
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I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Not all heroes wear capes…
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.