Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.