EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
😆this is so true
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.