*thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.