@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

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@unmehlievable

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

@singwithTaffy

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

@vineyille

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

@ninjadinosaur1

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

@tacos_y_cerveza

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20

@bjaynash

The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

@capnwatsisname

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

@BastardProphet

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.