@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

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@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

@nickmullen

I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting

@lisaxy424

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

@ninetek

I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

@heatherlou_

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

@ebrawley

Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok

@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

@whatmaddness

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

@R0ckG0d88

If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.