@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

You Might Also Like

@tsm560

*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*

@JPLFR80

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

@johntabin

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

@MarieLoerzel

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@Jandalize

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@ArfMeasures

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

@PopSlapFunk

Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.

@rachelaxler

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

@RunOldMan

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.