[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*