@unmehlievable
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
@stevevsninjas
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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@unmehlievable
@singwithTaffy
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
@vineyille
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
@ninjadinosaur1
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
@tacos_y_cerveza
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth the $20
@bjaynash
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
@GashleyMadison
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
@capnwatsisname
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
@BastardProphet
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
@THEDUTHCHESS
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*