[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

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The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.


Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to


*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.


Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.


If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.


i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years


Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.


I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”


Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?