[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣