@stevevsninjas

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

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@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@JoyofPhysics

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

@StrangerTings5

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

@Zombie_Kitv2

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

@WhatevaConc

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

@PhilJamesson

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

@JessicaVarsity

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

@angibangie

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?