Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.


It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”


I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.


me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no


My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on


you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried


I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.


Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”