@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

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@roxiqt

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

@itchyturtle

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

@blaha_Who

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

@walruslifestyle

you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried

@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”