Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
You Might Also Like
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”