@TheTweetOfGod

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

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@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@climaxximus

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

@TweetPotato314

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

@TheBoydP

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

@RexChapman

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@OwenJones84

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

@decentbirthday

[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@Mhmm_ok_sure

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.