Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this


Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.


Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.


Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.


You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.


i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years


Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look


*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them


Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.


Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not