Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.
– Why my mystery novel failed