EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.