@bornmiserable

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

@MarcusTheToken

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@AndyAsAdjective

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

@GingerHotDish

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

@YourKyness

If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

@MarfSalvador

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

@pittdave13

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

@jtrulez

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed