@bornmiserable

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

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@SortaBad

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

@orangecrushable

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

@meganamram

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

@MattTheBrand

twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@TheMichaelRock

The worst part about winter is how the ground is hard and crunchy and it makes me constantly crave nachos.

@dhm

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

@_elvishpresley_

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*