“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates

If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.

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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.


“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die


My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.


Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up


When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.


I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.


Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.


before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”


Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”


Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine