9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates
If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.
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Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“Please. Make yourself at home.”
*Brings cat and litter box inside*
*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*