Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You Might Also Like
good work, everybody
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me opening up to someone
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.