@Reverend_Scott

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

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@samalmightysam

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@SRbeta

Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.

@bornmiserable

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

@serhawke

Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

@ruslg1

I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.

@pixelatedboat

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

@Midgetspar

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”