@Reverend_Scott

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

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@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@rachxthompson

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

@SmithWit

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

@LittleMissAngr1

If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.

@lasergirl70

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

@kelter1

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

@charliedelta7

One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”