Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
You Might Also Like
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Netflix and awkward silence?
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
2022 be like
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss