I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?