You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”