Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

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Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.


[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you


MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now


*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.


[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”


“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”


Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails


I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.


My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.


Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.


Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.


My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig