@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

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@AristotlesNZ

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

@ThatEggChick

I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.

@imalittleginger

Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

@TamiDaBushPilot

Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.

@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

@SouthernStylin1

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away