Your college degree doesn’t mean you’re smart, it just means you’re in debt.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.
Just kidding. I like the show.
And she’s buried in the woods.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Have you ever noticed women say men only have one thing on their mind? Yet women constantly ask us what we’re thinking.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig