Why do they call it ’job hunting’ and not ’work-shopping’?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?
T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[guy who’s about to invent croutons]
*eating salad* i wish this hurt