Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life