@UnFitz

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

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@Home_Halfway

JUDGE: Has the jury reached the verdict?

T-REX JURY: Um, we’re unable reach anything Your Honor

@RocketRankoon

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

@heatherjs

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@daemonic3

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

@LostFelicia

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

@toomanycommas3

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

@daemonic3

[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt