Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.
Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.
Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.
How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:
“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”
End of the movie: both sobbing
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
fog is just god’s snapchat filter