earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me