Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Called it
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?