@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

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@FeelingEuphoric

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

@BawseLady

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

@pearlylondon

This ATM has just charged me ÂŁ2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

@protolalia

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

@envydatropic

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.