Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.