@idigcrazychics

Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.

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@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@d_duhwit

Any speed can be ‘breakneck’ speed if you’re clumsy enough.

@OhYeahILied

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

@5hael

How long do you have to wait between naps?

@UncleDuke1969

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

@phalguy

I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!

@hazelmotes1

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.