Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.
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NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..
*70 million white women turn around*
This alcohol tastes like there’s a sock getting lucky tonight.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.