Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?