Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.