*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it’s a record for amount of stabs
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke