@Darlainky

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

- @Darlainky

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@david8hughes

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

@InternetHippo

A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

@GingerHotDish

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

@DOGGEAUX

i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

@MommaWordsIt

Bonnie said I should join the Facebook like she did. Said its good way to get in touch with friends. Lord, at my age I’d need a ouija board

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.