Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.