i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You Might Also Like
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Spring cleaning checklist…
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.