@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

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@MrJamesCosgrove

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

@karencreets

Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not

@AndyRichter

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

@ClearlyUnwell

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@Andrea__B__

God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all 4 corners of the world, then he made the world round. What a funny guy

@BrucioMcCulloch

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

@Reverend_Scott

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

@Reverend_Scott

Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.