It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”