@Holbornlolz

Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”

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@LnL245

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

@mdob11

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

@TheMichaelRock

Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.

@Laser_Cat

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

@impaulmccoy

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

@bottlerocket

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@GrantTanaka

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

@darksidedeb

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.