“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
God has left this place
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.