Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Eastern Europe – 1989
“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”
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Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.