“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here