Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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My favorite farside!!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
do what now??
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.