[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.
You Might Also Like
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.