@dance_blessed

Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.

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@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@WilliamAder

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

@Darlainky

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

@glutenfreematt

what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password

@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

@LifeUnPinterest

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.