You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My first son he is wonderful
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat