Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Had an epiphany today.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
i smell a pulitzer
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”