“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

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BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary


Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia


My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.


Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.


I’m beginning to question your proclamation of your “spiritual gifts”. You are about as intuitive as my autocorrect.


I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.


Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish


I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.


[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: FBI?
Agent: uhhh
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector