“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
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Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.