Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I’ve been learning to cook.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)