[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!