“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.