“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.