I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.