“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents