Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

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[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.


Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.


I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. ūüôĀ


[my laboratory]
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.


The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.


Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then


My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.


Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.


PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*


[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129