@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

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@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.

@SaltyCorpse

Him: That’s a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

@shutupmikeginn

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

@coolauntV

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

@ClaytonSykes

That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.

@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

@bigracksonly

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail