how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.