[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…
…and now he’s refolding them.