If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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Him: That’s a little dramatic.
Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
That awkward moment when you realize you were born roughly nine months after 4/20.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail