@kimt205: Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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@oscarewilde: [Wild West car dealership] cowboy: what kind of car do you sell? dealer: audi cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?
@Pro_Jones_: Me: Boss our sales are really going updog. Boss: You mean up? Me: No, updog. Boss: What's updog? Me: Not our sales. We're bankrupt.
@ddsmidt: Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“