Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Milk Cube
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
This did not end as expected.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
This might be me.
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
reduce, reuse, recycle
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.