Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor