Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”


[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.


AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.


My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.


The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.


I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.