@TheIronSherk

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

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@MelvinofYork

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@DadandBuried

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

@Schmoodles

I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@QwertyJones3

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.