Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Many hands make light work
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free