I ate too much food coloring and got dyearrhea.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.