Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?


BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]


Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”


Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.


I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.


The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.


I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.


Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.