Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.