[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted