*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo

*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo

- @drankturpentine

You Might Also Like


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately


“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally


5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*


My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.


“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…


and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work


If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.