@drankturpentine

*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo

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@sonictyrant

Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@Snarfernini

*boss walks in

Me: I lost my contact

Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?

Me:

Boss:

Me: Shut the door when you leave

@0kilyDokily

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

@Book_Krazy

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

@1MeLrO

Wow, it’s really blowie outside

Me as a weather girl

@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@ArfMeasures

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?