@drankturpentine

*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo

*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo

- @drankturpentine

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@tayandmae

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

@TheHyyyype

[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately

@just1fool

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

@mikejanson2

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

@whatmaddness

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

@pittdave13

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

@AksharPathak

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.