Me: i need some decoration for this cake
Store clerk: Icing?
Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?
*eating a ham all by myself*
ME [whispering to myself]: ham solo
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BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom
Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
*boss walks in
Me: I lost my contact
Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?
Me: Shut the door when you leave
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Wow, it’s really blowie outside
Me as a weather girl
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!
[After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?