[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
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Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Noah
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.