My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands