Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
stop
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Sponch
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]