I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
ok this is my dumbest yet
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*