Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
😂😂