my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
You Might Also Like
I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*sings “somebody that I used to know” loudly and off key outside your window at 2am*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.