[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

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I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. ๐Ÿ™


Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date


McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.


Ironically, itโ€™s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.


*sings โ€œsomebody that I used to knowโ€ loudly and off key outside your window at 2am*


Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*


Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like thโ€” wait, really?


[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.