@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

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@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. ๐Ÿ™

@meghaffer

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@AmishPornStar1

Ironically, itโ€™s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

@Smooheed

*sings โ€œsomebody that I used to knowโ€ loudly and off key outside your window at 2am*

@Darlainky

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

@Mom_Overboard

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like thโ€” wait, really?

@lisaxy424

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.