[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
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I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Make new friends? bro out of what?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.