@impaulmccoy
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
@Mr_Kapowski
*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*[5 mins later]
*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”“Sir, that was motor oil”
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@impaulmccoy
@ramblinma
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
@LoveNLunchmeat
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
@markleggett
People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.
@FredTaming
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
@SaraMansford
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.
@HomeWithPeanut
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
@RedRegenerated
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
@Jessdaisy
Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?
@YuckyTom
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..