Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*
[5 mins later]
*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”
“Sir, that was motor oil”
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%) I love you guys
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we