*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”

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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.


Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato


Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]


me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time


[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.


Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.


Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.


me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we