@Mr_Kapowski

*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”

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@impaulmccoy

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@markleggett

People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

@RedRegenerated

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

@Jessdaisy

Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?

@YuckyTom

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..