[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
hackers play passwordle
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”